I thought I would be better...

Seems like no matter how much I want to stay on top of my blog and really focus on it I can't....
This must change.

I think this happens because I have so many things I want to talk about that its hard to just focus on one. However, tonight I stumbled upon a post from a blog I follow. The writer was so open and so vulnerable. Something I used to be, but not so much anymore due to a few life lessons.

As a grow and mature I feel like being open and vulnerable has a new meaning.  Instead of it meaning spilling all your guts for the world to hear, twist, and gossip about, it means to allow myself to open  up to change and creating a forum of accountability.

So here is my first post with this new meaning in mind.

Getting married at 19 was one of the smartest and hardest decisions I think I have ever made. Smart in the fact I chose to walk the path less followed by and committ myself to Matt in front of God and my family before we lived together.  I will forever stand by this decision and feel like because of that God has blessed our marriage in ways we could have never hoped. The hard part has been growing up; having to be responsible for maintaining a house and all the bills that go along with it and maintaining a heathly lifestyle to boot.

In our short six months of marriage God has tried to teach me many lessons. Some lessons I have learned, some I have failed, and those failed I'm trying to understand. I have been pushed to my limits physically, emotionally, and spirtually. This journey is one that has many chapters to come and I hope I will walk towards a happy ending.

One thing that I have began to realize recently, is my longing to be the perfect wife, student, daughter, friend, the perfect everything. However, I'm not made to be perfect and never was. I find myself filled with anxiety over things when there is no need to even raise my temper or emotions. I step back at the end of the attack and think to myself, why was that even a big deal in the first place.

Tonight I had a realization of why this happens to me. I have expectations. I idolize people that I wish I could be like. Thoughts run through my head like....I wish I could be that organized....I wish I was that creative....I wish I was that good of a wife... IwishIwishIwish! My expectations are superceeding the realistic expectations God has for me, the expactations that he has perfectly designed for who I am.

I have never allowed myself to figure out who I am; who I am as a wife, who I am as a student, who I am as a daughter. I just strive to be what I think I should be. I'm hoping that in the next few weeks I let myself find who I am in Christ and who he wants me to be. I encourage you to do the same.